Gotta Joke???

Anyone gotta good joke?
I'll start it off, since I'm of Italian background I'll use myself as the test subject!

Pietro and Maria, 2 young Italian virgins get married.
On their wedding night they know they should be doing "IT", but don't know how.
Pietro does what every good Italian boy does, he rings his Mamma for advice! She says, "Pietro, botha yous getta naked anda things willa happen ona there own". "Thanks Mamma" says Pietro.
10 minutes later Pietro is on the phone with his Mamma, "Mamma, nothing is happening!". "Pietro, lie nexta to eacha others anda things willa happen ona their own!" says Mamma.
10 minutes later Pietro is on the phone to his Mamma, "Mamma, things are still not happening!". "Oh Pietro, I'lla make ita easy for you! Putta the biggest parta of youra body that'sa sticking out and put it ina the hairest place Maria has!"
10 minutes later Pietro is on the phone to his Mamma, "Mamma, I got my nose in her arm pit, but still nothing is happening!" BOOM BOOM!!!

See it doesn't havta be dirty!!

Duck walks into a bar,
"got any apples?" he asks,
"no" replies the bartender
so the duck leaves

Next day the duck returns to the bar,
"got any apples?" he asks,
"no" replies the bartender
so the duck leaves

Third day the duck returns yet again,
"got any apples?" he asks,
"NO, and if you ask again i'll hit ya with a cricket bat!" screams the bartender
so the duck leaves

Fourth day duck returns,
"got a cricket bat?" asks the duck
"No" replies the bartender
"Got any apples?"

An elderly Sydney couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good-bye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,

has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says,

"I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's

married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $169.

We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare".

$43 back from Medicare?!! Now THAT'S a joke!

Ok, one for the Kid and her fetish.....

A midget (bet you like it already Kid) walks into a chemist that advertises made to measure condoms.
He says to the chemist, "I'll have a 3 foot by 1 foot sized condom, please".
The chemist looks at him and says, "You want a 3 inch by 1 inch condom, very well sir, it'll be a week to get it made up".
The midget shakes his and says, "NO! 3 FOOT by 1 FOOT, please", as he hands him a wad of cash.
The chemist shakes his head and says, " Very well sir, I'll have it here next week." The midget leaves.
The following week the midget returns to pick up his condom.
The chemist gives him his condom but just can't control himself and asks the midget, "Excuse me Sir, why the measurements? It just doesn't make any sense!".
The midget simply unrolls the condom over himself, from head to toe and asks the chemist, "What do I look like to you with this on?"
The chemist replies, "Sir, you look like one big prick!"
The midget smiles and says, "Excellant, I was tired of being a little c--t all my life!!" BOOM BOOM!!!

Please, no offence meant, especially to The Kid and her posse!!

From the movie, "Blast From the Past" as delivered by the amazing Christopher Walken:

-A duck (carrying an apple) walks into a drug store and asks the clerk for some lip balm. The clerk rings it up and asks, "Will that be cash or check?", and the duck replies,

"Just put it on my bill!"

Dad asks his son, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Kid says, "I wanna be a guitar player when I grow up!"

Dad says, "You can't have it both ways."

Ba-dum-bum!

pony65k wrote:

We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare".

Only in America........WHAAADAA country

An Airfield, somewhere on the French Front around 1917.

Two mechanics are having a quiet break on the wing of a plane to be repaired. Suddenly the new Airfield Commander walks in and shouts "What are you doing here? Whaaaaaat iiiiiis thaaaaaaaaaat?" He points on a small lake of oil on the ground "Wheeeere´s that coming from?"

The firs mech sticks his head under the cowling and answers: "Sir, them oil is a cumming frum dat B.R.T."
Commander: "Yoooou haaaave to fix it!" and leaves.

After the commander has left, the second mech asks him: "What the hell is a B.R.T.? Never heard of that part in that model..."

"Big Round Thing..."

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind but I do have one more question.'

'And what is that, my son?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over.........

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he
had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmy had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an English girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.


God Bless English Women

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
making love to a very attractive young woman. She was somewhat upset.

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried, 'How dare you do this
to me, a faithful wife, and the mother of your children! I'm leaving
you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, let me at
least explain why it's happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she screamed, 'but they'll be the last words
you'll ever say to me!'

And so the husband began.... 'Well, I was getting into the car
to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked
so down & out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into
the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed & very
dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my
compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for
you last night; the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll
put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good
clean up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that, I noticed
her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as
she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for
a few years, but won't wear because you say they're too tight. I also
gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you
don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my
sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and
I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and
don't use because someone at work has the same pair.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so
grateful for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door
she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please sir, do you
have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'..................................

Three Chinese guys, Bu, Chu and Fu, decided to move to America. Once they got there, they decided they'd give themselves a "fresh start" and change their names. Bu decided to change his name to Buck; Chu decided to change his name to Chuck; and Fu decided to move back to China...

Q: How does a New Zealander count his sheep?

A: 1, 2, 3, hi Mary Lou, 5, 6, hi Sharlene, 7, 8..........


Just to keep it fair....

Q: How do you tell an Italian airplane on the runway?

A: You look for the plane with hair under it's wings.


Q: Why do Italians grow moustaches?

A: So they can look like their Mamma.


Q: Why do Italians wear big thick gold necklaces?

A: So they know where to stop shaving.

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

In case you need a laugh:
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft..
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that Aussie ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

gizmopumpkin wrote:

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division


By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

until a 10ft hole appeared in the belly of one of their flights from London to Melbourne in July this year and the plane had to make an emergency landing in Manila...............

Aristocat wrote:

gizmopumpkin wrote:

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

until a 10ft hole appeared in the belly of one of their flights from London to Melbourne in July this year and the plane had to make an emergency landing in Manila...............

Haha, but as far as actual 'plane falling out of the sky' kinda accidents, they're free of those

Kid.

Aristocat wrote:

gizmopumpkin wrote:

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division


By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

until a 10ft hole appeared in the belly of one of their flights from London to Melbourne in July this year and the plane had to make an emergency landing in Manila...............

Yeah - that's part of the joke I think...... This did come out shortly after that event.......

Q. Which side of a zebra has the most stripes ??


A. The outside !


Ba-ba-boom !

pony65k wrote:

gizmopumpkin wrote:

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

Hah! That's a joke all on it's own, right?

gizmopumpkin wrote:

pony65k wrote:

gizmopumpkin wrote:

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

Hah! That's a joke all on it's own, right?

Yep, it's up there with the Qantas Quality Assurance Program.